You’re welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have solved this generation’s greatest quandary. I can tell you exactly what it takes to get that coveted interview.

I know, I know. My Nobel Prize should be here shortly.

Step 1) Apply. Duh.

Step 2) Get real bored. Reeeeeeeal bored. So bored that your only form of entertainment is to paint your nails interview-inappropriate colors that stain your entire hand when you try to take it off. The tackier the better. This is your future on the line here. As a reference point, I picked Sally Hansen’s “All Fired Up” and my fingers look like they exploded.

Step 3) Make no efforts towards your personal appearance. Forget about making an appointment to fix your roots so that you start to look like you have a flower beds worth of dirt coming out of your head, do not get that haircut so you start to resemble the creature from the black lagoon, and absolutely do not work on your eyebrows so that they start growing like fur all over your face. You need to be looking gross. It’s all part of the plan. Trust me.

Step 4) Wait by the phone. Now that you have successfully made yourself look as unkempt and unprofessional as possible your call about your desired interview will be here shortly! I got my call today, actually.

You don’t have to take my word for it. If you’re as desperate as I am then you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wish you all luck on your grossifying endeavors.


About Abby McLaughlin

19 year old Hospitality Management student at the University of North Texas.
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